Pained
by suspensegirl
Summary: Based off 4x10 Canadian Promo - possible scenario off CB's little snippet of a scene. "We need to be on our own. Otherwise we're just torturing ourselves." Oneshot.


A/N: I saw the Canadian promo for 4x10 and the CB scene completely broke my heart. Maybe I should wait till the scene actually airs before crying in a corner, lol, but the incredibly heartbreaking look on B in the scene just gets to me. So, this is my take on a possible scenario of what that scene could all entail. Heh. ;p Please review! Happy Belated Thanksgiving!

*I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.

…

She knew when he pulled his hand away from her hands' warm grasp that the conversation was going to immediately go downhill. She'd known it when she'd comforted him throughout the whole Serena ordeal, and even at the beginning of the day when she'd made it clear that they should prepare themselves for the few times their paths would cross, so they could get out of the situation without it becoming awkward. Her head was as far ahead of her as it would go, keeping her resolve as strong as ever should her heart threaten to take control. Well, just a few hours had completely destroyed her resolve, despite the faint whispering of her conscience telling her to back away from her love of Chuck Bass. Because it wasn't smart and it would get her nowhere aside from her relationship with him. The question that had been nagging at her ever since she'd told him they couldn't be together now could no longer be ignored. What if they _weren't_ meant to be? What if he _moved on_ and when she was finally where she wanted to be – independent, on top of the world, a force to be reckoned with on her own – not just because she was Chuck Bass's girlfriend – would he still want her? He didn't say it was _them_ that were meant to be. She'd sworn that that was the message written in her eyes when he'd said. That _they were_ meant to be. They always came back to each other, loving with a passion that stole their breath. No one could be more destined and forever than they were.

But who knew how long it would take her to 'find herself'? Six months? A year? Longer? Surely he couldn't wait that long. He hadn't even said directly that he'd wait. He'd just said that _if_ two people were meant to be then eventually they'd come back. What if she spent her _whole_ _life_ waiting for him to love her again when he never would? Would it even be _worth it_ to know who she was in the world if she didn't have him by her side? _No_. She knew it with every fiber of her being. _It wouldn't_.

"Blair…"

Her head was already faced towards the window, looking into the city of lights plunged in darkness. Her hand had almost instantly gone to her lap the second after he'd pulled his away. She couldn't take the rejection. She was just trying to soothe him over the rocky roller coaster that had been Serena Van der Woodsen, but he wouldn't allow it. Now he was the one enforcing the rules, and it didn't seem fair since she was the one to back out of the relationship.

Her hand clenched in her lap till it was the palest of whites.

"We need to be on our own, otherwise we're just torturing ourselves."

_Torturing ourselves? Was that what it was?_ Because, sure, it would be painful being in each other's presence all the time and not being able to act on what they so badly wanted to do, but deliberately forcing each other out of their lives? It seemed too horrible to imagine.

She wasn't going to look at him, wouldn't let him see her cry. Because all of this was her fault, but she knew he wouldn't let her take it back and she knew she'd regret it if she did too. But the emotion flooding through her now – the heartbroken desperation – suddenly seemed so much worse than loss of self. Because he would always be everything to her, but she could not count on the same from him. He was as reckless as she was. She couldn't control a single thing he felt or did.

"Until when?" she finally asked, somehow managing to keep the minimal sniffling under wraps so he couldn't make her face him. "Until I get your wedding invitation?"

His eyebrows narrowed, his mind going completely blank with confusion. "_What_?"

A shaky breath escaped her and she cursed herself for such weakness letting itself made known. Chuck's eyes widened at the sound, knew what accompanied that sound, what would be dripping down her face. He tugged at her arm, but she pulled away from him roughly and turned more towards the window.

"Blair," he demanded.

"Fine," she replied, unable to keep the ice out of her voice when she'd meant only to sound dry, neutral. She hadn't meant to let her angry, sobbing emotions ebb through into the single word, but they had. Because it was bursting inside her and because he knew her inside and out and he knew when she was hiding things, especially when they pertained to him.

"You're right. It's a good idea," she tried to chirp, but only another high-pitched sniffle came through. She cursed under her breath and her fist tightened further, needing to get the unbelievable tension out somewhere. She knew there'd be marks from her nails later when she stopped punishing herself. Her eyes remained pinned to the window, though she didn't even know what she was looking at now. Her only focus was to not look at him. When she felt he fingers encircle her hand and grab hold of her, she nearly exploded. Before his hand had completely covered her, she ripped her hand away and scooted closer to the window still. She cursed the fact that he had to make this announcement when they were in a moving vehicle. Even worse was the fact that it was a limo, _his_ limo. It was like officially marking the end of them because it was _exactly_ where they had started.

"Blair," he said again, still demanding she respond the way he wanted her to, but the desperation in his voice was obvious. He was not going to let her go without an in-depth conversation on the matter, an understanding that held some sort of clear silver lining, some hope for the future. Fear raced through him and cold sweat started to spill out onto his skin at the thought that it would not happen. He couldn't lose her when they were so close. He _couldn't_.

She spun around suddenly and he didn't know whether to be relieved or incredibly wary. He'd expected anger of some sort in her facial and expression, and there was some for sure, but the tears that lay ready to spill from her eyes spoke so much more volume to the emotion she was trying to keep under wraps. The urge to say her name again was evident somewhere in the back of his mind, but he couldn't find his voice. He was so very lost in her deep brown eyes that were on the verge of crying. All he could hear was his own breathing and the very loud pounding of his own heart.

"I know you have good intentions, Chuck," she said. The first tear made its way down her cheek. She ignored it, but he could not seem to. His face fell completely and the sight squeezed something deep inside him. It made him want to die. It almost made him sick. "It hurts me too," she said. His eyes lifted to where they'd been following her tear back to her pained eyes. She turned completely towards him now, though being sure to keep her hands tucked safely inside her jacket sleeves and crossed in her lap closer to her torso. He swallowed hard.

"But, you're suggesting that we purposely try to stay away from each other."

"Yes," he said.

"Well, I just _can't_ _do_ that," she stressed, shaking her head. Three more tears trickled down her face. It absolutely crushed and crumbled his heart. Some vicious creatures trampled over it until it was nothing but ashes. Still, it throbbed for her and that made everything all the more worse.

"Blair—" he managed.

"No." She stopped him by holding her hand up and then quickly tucked it away again. "I'm not finished," she said quietly. He nodded once. She sighed deeply, very shaky. Then she looked at him. Her eyes did not waver, nor did they cry. She held back her tears that seemed so desperate to make it to the soft ivory skin on her face.

"You were going to run away this summer," she said. "You _did_ run away," she clarified. "But I asked you to come home and you did, because my world wouldn't be complete without you in it. You listened to that. That made you stay." His lips parted, finally grasping the direction in which she was going. "And now it seems like that doesn't even matter anymore. You've found another excuse to run away."

"I'm not running away, Blair." She raised her eyebrows in disbelief. "I'm just waiting for you to figure things out. I don't know how long that's going to take and neither do you. I would think during the process you wouldn't want to hurt so much every time you see me."

She shook her head doubtfully and sighed shakily, sniffles slipping out and more tears flowing down her face. She turned away from him a little so she was mostly facing straight ahead and sunk into the seat. She tucked her hands and arms tighter into her, pulling out one of her hands quickly to wipe away the tears that had dripped down to her neck.

"Blair…" he sighed, reaching out for her and then dropping his hand back into his lap helplessly.

"How do I know you're not going to move on while I'm out trying to 'make something of myself'?" she mocked herself and the cursed situation. His brows scrunched together painfully. He suddenly felt _himself_ near tears now. She turned to look at him, seeing her own distraught expression reflected on his face.

"You never said you'd wait," she continued, daring to turn towards him again. "You said if two people are meant to be together then eventually they'll back to each other," she said, as if searching her mind for his exact words, as if she'd been thinking of nothing else since the moment he'd said them. "You didn't even say that we were meant to be—"

Chuck opened his mouth to say something but she cut him off. "And maybe you do think we're meant to be. Maybe you believe it with all your heart just like you believe you love me, like you said before. I know I believe we are. But…" her breaths became shallow. "What if we're not? What if you move on and aren't available after I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be as a person? What if you're married, living somewhere else, have children, deeply desperately in love with someone else? What if—"

He cut her sobbing, painful questioning off with his hands on the nape of her neck and his lips on her mouth. She kissed him for a few seconds, because she was just so frantic in her desire for him; she didn't want to lose him. The thought of losing him was unbearable, especially since she was so desperately in love with him. But she didn't let herself sink into the embrace, not knowing how long it would last. When his tongue entered her mouth, she pushed him away roughly, looking at him breathlessly as his uneven breathing filled her senses.

"How could you even think for one second that I could find someone better than you?" he asked, still trying to regain a normal breathing pattern.

"Eva?" she offered. He shook his head, rejecting the possibility.

"I wasn't in my right mind. I wasn't _me_. You told me that yourself."

"What about the prostitute that you were so infatuated with? Nate told me after the fact that you said she was the most beautiful woman you'd ever seen and that your one night with her was the best night of your life," she said in an all-knowing spiteful voice.

He shook his head. "No. No." He looked at her. "I wasn't in my right mind then either. I never am when I'm not with you."

"And you won't be with me!" she shrieked. "You won't be with me until I think I'm ready. If we're not even interacting doesn't it make sense that you would 'be out of your right mind' as you put it? What makes it so impossible that you would move on then?"

She was breathing so heavily he was afraid she'd burst. His eyes were pinned to hers. His body was burning with the heat of the situation.

"You're basically telling me to forget everything that we've ever had. Oh wait, until I decide I'm 'ready' when we should get to know each other all over again?" she huffed, crossing her arms over each other. His brows suddenly narrowed.

"I never said that." She rolled her eyes, not bothering to say anymore. She'd said her piece. "Hey," he said, waiting until her eyes found his again. "I want to be with you," he said. Her expression softened. "I love you so much, I want to be with you so much that it literally hurts me to see you and be unable to kiss you, hold you, make love to you…" he trailed off, almost letting a gasp slip through.

"…marry me," she breathed softly, finishing his list. Her eyes focused entirely on the floor. She sensed the that had tension imprisoned him and so looked up at him, dormant tears threatening to rise up and spill out again. "I would have said yes, Chuck," she said, her voice still equally soft and quiet. He looked at her, frozen with surprise, joy, and agony. "If things had been different, I would have said yes." She nodded and closed her eyes, more tears slipping through. "And now it's all over. It's gone," she choked.

Pain pounded through him. He felt like he was internally being ripped apart, bleeding, like he'd been shot all over again. As painful as that bullet wound had been, it was nothing in comparison to this aching disease of the emotional heart. He didn't want her to push him away, but he couldn't control himself any longer. He pulled her onto him and he held her against him, tucking her head into the crook of his neck. She was sobbing now and he felt as she snuggled into him. He had to remind himself to breathe. It wasn't supposed to be too hard. She'd given a just cause to make them temporarily be apart. He was just trying to keep the pain from being too overwhelming by saying apart. He knew she wouldn't be pleased, but he thought eventually she'd see reason, and she probably still would, but now it was a nightmare. He'd never seen her so broken up in his entire life.

"It's not gone," he whispered roughly against her. He pulled her face back to look at her. "And the only time I've _ever_ been interested in any other girl was when _you_ were not interested in _me_, when you weren't available."

She swallowed hard, shaky breaths still coming out of her.

"You're the one that's put a roadblock between us. That is the one thing that is keeping us apart, and you know it." Her brows narrowed suddenly, fully prepared to yell at him for all his hypocritical deceit in comforting her but then pointing her with the finger of blame. "But it's one I fully and completely respect. I admire it. It's a good roadblock, and I don't want you to take it back, because it's something that'll make you so much stronger. It'll make us so much stronger."

She sighed shakily and closed her eyes. Everything in her told her that she should just push away from him and rush out the door as soon as they reached her house, that she should just follow through with his demand and just pretend everything was over and maybe had never been because despite everything he'd just said, the unbearable fear still engulfed her. The horror of only being allowed to interact with him when he was just married and she was at his reception, and then it wouldn't matter if they spoke with each other or not, because she would be the only one being tortured.

But instead she collapsed against him and he held her to him. He pulled her body against him bridal-style and rocked her like a baby. His precious little angel baby.

"We _are_ meant to be, Blair," he whispered against her. She nodded a little and whimpered. "I've fought for it a million times, and as long as I think there's a chance, I _will_ fight for it. No matter how long it takes."

She sighed shakily but didn't say another word. When they were a block away, he let her climb off of him and near the door. He reached for her hand when they were just in front of the entrance, but she pulled her hand away just like he had done. He frowned.

"We need to be on our own, Chuck. Otherwise we're just torturing ourselves." Her sad eyes turned away from him when she opened the door. His heart fell into the pit of his stomach. The sadness spread across his face, deep, almost eternal. She turned back to him once more when she was halfway out the door.

"The sad thing is that if I said something right now that would officially keep us from ever being together again, because of what you want us to do for the time being, you wouldn't even come after me."

A silvery clear tear slipped down her face. His face fell completely, but he didn't reach for her until it was too late. The door closed behind her and he sunk back into the seat, trying to erase the pain that he honestly hadn't expected so much of from the simple request to save them some pain. When he said nothing to his driver, the limo started to move again. He was so numb he couldn't tell when they reached the Empire. All he could think about was Blair and her tears and this nightmare they had walked into. He had started to cry.

….

_Six months later…_

Across the street she saw him. A girl stood beside him, giggling and kissing his neck as his arm wrapped affectionately around her waist. He pulled her to him and they shared an open-mouthed kiss, leaving Blair nauseous. Beside her stood Dan Humphrey who'd decided he was in love with her based off the supposed hidden messages he'd gotten from her from their mistaken one-night stand. He'd been following her around quite annoyingly. She couldn't seem to get rid of him, which was extremely unfortunate since the majority of it came from the fact that he reported to _her_ at the fashion magazine they both worked at. He was talking to her now about something, but she didn't hear a word of it, had learned to tune it out awhile ago, and only tune-in if it was something work-related that she absolutely _had_ to know.

Their eyes met from across the street. Chuck's smiling face slipped into one of somber greeting. She blinked and cursed herself for getting teary-eyed. She looked briefly over to the girl and then forced a weak smile in his direction. He looked back and forth between the two and then realized immediately her silent message delivered through her crystal brown eyes. _She was ready_. And she thought he wasn't. Her forced smile told him _she_ _knew_ that for the one time in his life he didn't know what girl to choose, and she was telling him not to choose her. Because she had decided six months ago that this was going to happen, and she was determined to suffer now that what she'd feared most had indeed come true. It didn't matter that her exaggerated truth were the farthest thing from the truth and that this girl was probably just part of some deceit scheme he had going or a mere distraction so he wouldn't drown in thoughts of her. She was gone before he could act on his thoughts that flooded and overrode all his senses in the heartbeat which he saw Blair Waldorf and saw that the wait could end. Even Dan was gone once he'd realized everything that had suddenly taken place. He wondered if it had all been a dream, another haunting vision in which Blair Cornelia Waldorf would finally be his.

…

A/N: Kind of angsty, but I'm depressed. *sigh* Not as much as I was, but…eh *shrug* just thinking of that small snippet of the scene in the promo gets me sad. =( So, yeah, maybe this oneshot was overkill, but I had to get it out of my system, since all the defenses to his demand hit me & even if Blair doesn't say it in the scene, I just _know_ she will have been thinking them. ;p REVIEW! hehe


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